I'm writing this well into the night as an attempt to remain transparent with myself and anyone who joins me as they read this.
One of the things I've learned about myself is that I struggle with the idea/act of being alone. It's always been something that makes me uneasy. It has gotten easier over time but there's always those days where you really just feel it.
Today was one of those days.
These days are always a reminder that I am not immune from struggling on my journey. The truth is that I have to sit through the dark times on my own to be able to find my way to the light. I think the fact that I live on my own allows me to feel these times that much more.
My mind always seems to go to the question "are you REALLY alone though?" and the answer is always no. I'm not. Physically I am but I know I have my friends and family, but some days things play out a certain way where they aren't necessarily accessible, nor do you actually feel motivated to look for them. That's how I feel at least. Although the feeling is kinda sucky to sit here alone with my thoughts, I let myself go through it. I know this is an opportunity to lean into the darkness that I'm trying to learn how to navigate. Being alone is a fairly new concept for me, something I've been avoiding for a long time now. It's actually quite scary. However, I know it's what my soul needs. I know my spirit guides are showing me the way to love myself and the process. Just a few days ago I was talking about how I wanted to lean into the feeling of loneliness and really explore it and it was manifested very quickly. So I can't necessarily be upset it's happening because I asked for it.
At one point I found myself beating myself up for the way I handled my day. I was a little disappointed. I didn't do much today. I woke up really late, was on my phone and laid on my couch the whole evening. I know I could've done things differently in order to care for myself the way my soul was maybe asking/looking for.
I could've done so many things to be productive, to get my mind off it, or my energy up but I just didn't (until now that I'm writing this only because spirit would not let the thought go). Today I just didn't feel like doing anything about it and I just have to accept that's how I went through today and not feel guilty about that.
Sometimes I get scared that the feeling won't go away. The sucky feeling related to feeling alone.
It's easy to go down that rabbit hole but I know it will go away and that some days are just off. They're always opportunities to tap back into yourself.
Surprisingly, although the feeling isn't necessarily comfortable, I'm not fighting it. I'm not avoiding it which is something a past version of me would've done so I'm proud of the progress.
I created this platform for myself to be able to track my journey, the good and the bad.
I humbly claim I am not an expert on any subject matter, especially when it comes to the navigation of what we call life.
I simply hope that anyone who reads knows they are not alone and I am open to sharing what I do here in hopes that it might help the next person in any way.
I know this post probably seems a little all over the place. It's the product of having no expectations and being completely transparent.
Thank you for walking with me this far.
Tatiana Gicel